Counting My Blessings

I've been really depressed for the last week or so. Never mind that I've been diagnosed with "clinical depression" and never mind that I've stopped taking my anti-depressants for a number of reasons that aren't really important right now. What IS important is that I've realized a very important correlation: When I'm depressed, my thinking gets muddled and my view of the world and my place in it changes. My energy drains, my enthusiasm disappears, and my creativity and sense of Self lies dormant. At the same time all of my senses and sensibilities are shutting down, my prayer life suffers too. I'm too tired... Too tired to work, too tired to play, too tired to knit, too tired to pray. And once that vicious cycle starts, it's hard as hell to break it.

But that's exactly what I have to do. I have to remember that I've committed myself to a path of spiritual development and personal growth. I've openly expressed my desire for a more intimate relationship with Christ. I've made the decision to spend more time in prayer, meditation and devotion. But then reality bites, I get sidetracked by the drama du jour, and I fall off the wagon, flat on my butt. And it's hard getting up and starting again. It's so hard. But I have to do it anyway.

So today, I'm starting again. That's one of the great things about God's grace... knowing that He knows that I'm not perfect, that I could never be - no matter how hard I try, but He loves me anyway and accepts me as I am. Ironically, remembering that He loves and accepts me regardless inspires me to want to be better or at least to try a lot harder.

I started my day with the news of a 2-hour school delay due to icy road conditions. Part of me wanted to reset the alarm and crawl back under the covers. But thankfully, I chose to get up, dust off my stack of daily devotionals, and start reading and praying.

I always save my absolute favorite book, Simple Abundance, for last. Today's reading was titled "Blessing Our Circumstances". Sarah Ban Breathnach writes that "Blessing whatever vexes us is the spiritual surrender that can change even troublesome situations for the better. Blessing the circumstances in our lives also teaches us to trust... If you're sick and tired of learning life's lessons through pain and struggle, blessing your difficulties will show you there's a better way." She goes on to suggest that we start to count our blessings. Starting today. She challenged me to make a spiritual inventory of all of my blessings. Specifically to see if I can't get to 100.

So never being one to pass up a challenge, here goes...

1. I'm a Christian.
2. I know that when I die, Heaven will be my home.
   
3. I'm remarkably healthy, despite of terrifying diagnoses of lupus over 10 years ago and 2 brushes with cancer since then that have turned out fine after 2 surgeries.
4. I'm married to a generous, thoughtful and loving man.
5. My daughter is in excellent physical health.
6. We have a nice, comfortable home in a great neighborhood.
7. I have a loving and supportive family.
8. My parents are alive and healthy.
9. I have a loving and supportive church family.
10. I have wonderful friends who know me and love me anyway.
11. I am able to work from home in my own business.
12. My car is paid for and running well.
13. I have health insurance.
14. I have prepaid legal insurance and identity theft protection.
15. I have found a passion for knitting that brings me great joy.
16. I am acting on a long-time desire to write a book.
17. I've loved and laughed more than I thought possible.
18. I've traveled to many parts of this country and to a few other countries as well.
19. I've had a high-powered corporate job that paid a lot of money, but realized it wasn't worth the mental price before it was too late.
20. I'm a sexual assault survivor. I could have been killed, but I wasn't.
    
21. I'm reaching out to others through 2 knitting ministries that I've been priviledged to be able to start.
22. There's food on my table every day.
23. We have heat and electricity.
24. We're on an aggressive schedule to pay off our mortgage several years ahead of schedule.
25. I see the opportunity to secure my family's financial security through my new business venture and I've set that plan in motion.
26. I've done my best to improve another life and give something back by adopting my daughter.
27. I'm comfortable with the way I look.
28. I've survived bankruptcy and have a much healthier relationship with money as a result.
29. I've survived the loss of a job, twice and have made the best of that situation.
30. I've finally accepted that my diet does play a significant role in my health and I've found a dietary plan that works for me.
31. I've had my heart broken more times than I'd care to admit, but it still works.
    
32. I have a wonderful therapist who encourages me, supports me, and helps me in so many ways.
33. I can keep in touch with old and new friends around the world via email.
34. I'm close to the same weight that I was 20 years ago.
35. I no longer worry about cervical cancer.
36. Every day is a new opportunity to get it right.
37. I can count on God's grace - even though I don't deserve it.
38. I can make unlimited long distance calls on nights and weekends.
39. I can find virtually anything I want on the internet.
40. Being introduced to the concept of Simple Abundance and they ways it's changed my life.
41. I have lived successfully without a credit card for nearly 4 years although I never thought I could.
42. I realized that I needed to take my daughter out of public school before it was too late.
    
43. I'm finding a way to pay for her private school tuition.
44. I know from personal experience that every situation that doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Okay... I've only come up with 44 so far, but this exercise has proven it's point. Regardless of how depressed I may feel, and even on the days when nothing seems to be going my way, I have so much to be thankful for.